Ok Ladies, as part of the Lost One's new, "Get me a date this Friday" initiative the Lost One is going to tell of a man whose own status as single, should terrify any woman who reads this blog (of which there are none), directly into the arms of the Lost One purely so they can change their status on Face book/MySpace to "in a relationship". So without further adieu and with no more gilding of the Lilly the Lost One gives you, a brief, terrifying glimpse of Jonathan Alfred "The Impaler" Sharkey.
First thing to know about Sharkey is that he once ran for governor of Minnesota. Now the Lost One knows what you are thinking, "Politician? 'Nuff said." But oh, no friends it gets so much better. See, our boy Sharkey ran on the Vampyres, Witches and Pagans Party ticket (What does the party believe? Well, they are like the Democratic party, except they are a bunch of very pale white people, who claim to stick up for persecuted minorities but instead spend most of their time sucking their "constituency" dry…Wait a tick, they're exactly like the Democratic party). Less, you think that "The Impaler" is merely a uniting kinda guy, who eschews "identity politics" in favor of a "big tent" approach, Sharkey is, in fact according to his Website (And what website would contain false information?), a vampyre. Yes, you can tell he's old; he spells it with a "y". In his bid for governor he came out with strong religious convictions, "'I'm a Satanist who doesn't hate Jesus,' says Sharkey. 'I just hate God the Father.'" On a side note, is the Lost One the only one jazzed that a politician knew enough about Christianity to know the difference? Moving on. Sharkey is quite up front with how he treats those who give money to his cause, ""I sink my fangs into the neck of my donor ... and drink their blood." Refreshing honesty, given the Lost One is *still* getting E-mails from John McCain encouraging him to donate money (Dude, the Lost One thought you sucked as a presidential candidate, why would he give you money to be someone *else's* Senator?) Yet, somehow he lost.
Oh, sure, like every politician he had a past, a few skeletons in his closet (Litera…Nah, too obvious) but what politician doesn't? Sharkey was arrested twice for "Stalking". What happened to this country when a fella can't go through the trash of random strangers he finds attractive?!?? What like there's some kinda law against that now? Whatever. Moving on.
But Sharkey was rising above it all, to make a stab at the highest office in all the Land, the presidency of these United States (Which, after all is a tale as old as time, isn't it? Creature of the night runs for and loses gubanatorial bid. Creature of the night is arrested for stalking. Creature of the night rises to become president. Who hasn't heard it a thousand times by now?). Yet, it was not to be because of, you guessed it, a woman. Or girl to be exact. Quick, to the crazy (Via the Fox News link), "[Sharkey] was running for president in 2007 when the 16-year-old Rochester girl wrote a message of support on his MySpace page. She told police they began dating online, and the threats began when she tried to break off the relationship." Obviously, this is all the girls fault. I mean, everyone knows that "message of support" is code for, "Please bite my neck", I mean right? Right? Riiiiight? Moving on, "She told police that "in a desperate attempt" to get him to leave her alone, she had e-mailed him that she was a member of an elite vampire hunter society and that continuing their relationship would put him in danger." This statement angers the Lost One so deeply, he can barely type. When the Lost One applied to the EVH he had to pass a physical fitness test, and write a 300 page Opus on Vampire lore (the mental health test was waived, of course. For obvious reasons). Now he comes back to find that apparently any pretty face or even really anyone with a "Vampire Hunters do it all night long" bumper sticker can join. Please. But our boy was not deterred. Wooing his love the traditional way, love notes written in blood. Threatening her parents. Why he even placed here on a pedestal of sorts, "[Sharkey] referred to the Rochester girl as his wife and princess." Ahhhhhhhhhhh.
So ladies, how about it?
Sharkey or the Lost One?
The Lost One will be sitting by his phone waiting for the calls to come in.
Via Ace (As always)
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