Lost In the World Official® Endorsement: Pride, Prejudice, and Zombies

Having not officially read the book, the Lost One endorses it all the same. Read the back cover and you will see why:

"It is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of
brains must be in want of more brains." So begins Pride and Prejudice and
Zombies, an expanded edition of the beloved Jane Austen novel featuring all-new
scenes of bone-crunching zombie mayhem. As our story opens, a mysterious plague
has fallen upon the quiet English village of Meryton—and the dead are returning
to life! Feisty heroine Elizabeth Bennet is determined to wipe out the zombie
menace, but she's soon distracted by the arrival of the haughty and arrogant Mr.
Darcy. What ensues is a delightful comedy of manners with plenty of civilized
sparring between the two young lovers—and even more violent sparring on the
blood-soaked battlefield as Elizabeth wages war against hordes of flesh-eating
undead. Can she vanquish the spawn of Satan? And overcome the social prejudices
of the class-conscious landed gentry? Complete with romance, heartbreak,
swordfights, cannibalism, and thousands of rotting corpses, Pride and Prejudice
and Zombies transforms a masterpiece of world literature into something you'd
actually want to read.

Heh.

The Lost in the World guide to books you shouldn't read, Cinema edition.

In his previous blog, the Lost One liked to mock bad books (Here and Here, for those interested). Now having seen a movie based on a waaaaaaaaaaaay too popular book series, the Lost One proudly presents, The Lost in the World guide to books you shouldn't read, Cinema edition, or why Twilight sucks.

The basic problem with Twilight, is that it fails to properly appreciate the role of the modern vampire. The figure has his roots in the seminal work of fiction, Bram Stoker's Dracula, where, unlike his other forgettable monsters, Stoker managed to turn the monster into a metaphor. Read the book, and it will quickly become apparent that the Vampire is a loose (A very loose [A very very loose]) symbol for the person who has lost control of their own libido. Don't believe the Lost One? Read the book. Some of Dracula's attack scenes are quite blush inducing, and at one point the Three Sisters, upon learning of Drac's plan to steal Mina Harper mock him by saying, "You will never find love."

And that is the grand truth of the Sexual libertine, he will never find love in excess, for pleasure is a tread mill that goes no where, and demands more and more stimuli to reach previous levels. Thus, in Dracula we have a monster, without a doubt, but a monster that is us at our worst, and most selfish. In that way, Dracula is an interesting and approachable character.

Yet, in Twilight, the vampire is presented as a controlled monster, a dog on a lease. It is obvious the author is aware of the tradition (She makes references to her characters, "Losing Control" [I.E. killing humans] in the sexual act), and yet chooses to allow her Vampiric hero, to control his blood lust in the name of love. The result is to imply that, rather then killing love in its cradle as it really does, in excess one can find love. No. Simply no.

Of course the term "love" is itself corrupted as a result, and we see C.S. Lewis' wise definition, "The Lover wants only the best for the beloved.", twisted into a sick simulacrum of itself, "The Lover wants the best for himself from the Beloved." As all through out the movie the Lost One kept thinking, "Oh, you love her? How horrible, for both of you. Just move away and she will forget you and find someone new. After all, most widows remarry." Of course, the "hero" doesn't, but exposes her to constant danger, for no better reason then...er...ah...

Which brings the Lost One to his second complaint, this movie has no logic. At all. See it's a family of vampires, living in the middle of nowhere (Why? A big city is much, much, much better for getting anonymously lost in), who attend school with normal people (Why? Two words, *Home Schooling*), and have super awesome powers (Why? Magic? Science? No answer.) no weaknesses (Why Aren't they proud to be Vampires then?) and are content to live on the fringes of society (Why? If they truly are as powerful and weakness free, why go with the whole blood lust scenario? Why, to quote a better vampire flick, isn't it that "Humanities Free Range days are over." [British Mini Series Ultraviolet. WAY better then Twilight.]) Yet ultimately, the author has no answers or merely weak ones. And when a plot point exists outside of reality, and only to move along the plot, there is a technical term for that in writing. "Bad writing".

Which leads to the final complaint, namely this is just another version of the Lost One's least beloved bedtime story, the bad boy who just needs to be loved. (That sound? The one you hear wherever you are on this happy spinning globe that is big daddy Earth, is the sound of the Lost One vomiting) But again, this fantasy is just as shallow as the male fantasy that, ironically, the vampire was created to mock, the I-can-sleep-with-every-one-consequence-free idea that is at the heart of the vampire mythos. Only, where STDs (Or STIs depending on the vernacular) have killed the male version, the female version is still alive, and keeping women in crappy relationships with abusive husbands, boyfriends, and lovers the world around. Yuck.

So ultimately, the Lost One must turn to a quote from the Sage that is the Ace of Spades, "There are 2 kinds of vampire films, ones in which valiant humans battle against impossible odds, to save humanity from monsters, and vampire films that suck." Wise words. Wise words, indeed.

Women Who Should be Avoided, cause, Dude, Wench be Crazy: 1 in a suprisingly large series

So, in order to add a little gender balance to his blog and because his primary (/sole) readership is male the Lost One will now relate the bloody tale of Dominique Fisher.

Like many a cautionary tale, this one starts with a guy who made a bad choice. A very bad choice. Some argue that that choice was getting out of bed on the day of the incident, the Lost One can't really argue with that. But the Lost One being a proximate cause sort, pegs it as drinking. No that's wrong. Not drinking. Drinking is wrong. Drinking excessively to the point of blacking out at the wrong darn time, is what the Lost One meant. See while the boy in question was imbibing, rather, shall we say, generously, he met the afore mentioned Loon at a party.

Now, those of you who have followed the link (which you shouldn't do, until after you've finished the post [can't ruin the ending don't you know]), have probably seen Dominique. She doesn't look crazy. This tip is for the boys, from the Lost One to you. Gents, the really dangerous crazy ones...rarely look crazy. Particularly to drunk eyes. But he digresses.

Our young man having acquired a fresh set of Beer goggles begins a conversation with the crack pot. Mistake #2. Because while a sober person might have seen the crazy coming, our boy was out of his wits. Quesera, sera . During the course of this conversation, Our kooky friend Dominique invites our boy back to her room, for a little...You get the idea.

Here, our inebriated friend failed to remember his Shakespeare, as the Bard tells us, "Strong drink giveth the desire, but taketh away the ability." In this case the ability in question was the ability to defend one's self, but that's in the future.

After returning to the demented dame's flat (as the British say), the two accomplished the young man's mission (so to speak), and he made mistake #3. He passed out in her bed, leaving her with nothing to do, and no one to talk to, so what is young Dominique to do?

Carve her name into his shoulder, it turns out. And not just her name, but also a couple of arrows indicating where her name was on his body, cause the huge bloody swatch was just too darn subtle, the Lost One supposes. Also, some fairly artistic other drawings, that, like an Escher painting, seem to make a new picture depending on the angle one views them in. Interesting. If you know, IT WASN'T THAT IT WAS HACKED INTO HIS ARM. And he stays passed out through the whole, darn episode. Yikes.

But of course, eventually, he wakes up, and of course he calls the police. So what does our girl have to say for herself?

"He asked me to do it."

Moral lessons learned:

1. Drinking to excess is bad.

2. Talking to women in this state, is likewise to be avoided.

3. You are not so attractive as a drunk that any but a psycho-chick will find you attractive.

Just saying. until next time.

Guys Less Worthy of a Date then Me: 1 in a series of a Depressingly Large Number

Ok Ladies, as part of the Lost One's new, "Get me a date this Friday" initiative the Lost One is going to tell of a man whose own status as single, should terrify any woman who reads this blog (of which there are none), directly into the arms of the Lost One purely so they can change their status on Face book/MySpace to "in a relationship". So without further adieu and with no more gilding of the Lilly the Lost One gives you, a brief, terrifying glimpse of Jonathan Alfred "The Impaler" Sharkey.

First thing to know about Sharkey is that he once ran for governor of Minnesota. Now the Lost One knows what you are thinking, "Politician? 'Nuff said." But oh, no friends it gets so much better. See, our boy Sharkey ran on the Vampyres, Witches and Pagans Party ticket (What does the party believe? Well, they are like the Democratic party, except they are a bunch of very pale white people, who claim to stick up for persecuted minorities but instead spend most of their time sucking their "constituency" dry…Wait a tick, they're exactly like the Democratic party). Less, you think that "The Impaler" is merely a uniting kinda guy, who eschews "identity politics" in favor of a "big tent" approach, Sharkey is, in fact according to his Website (And what website would contain false information?), a vampyre. Yes, you can tell he's old; he spells it with a "y". In his bid for governor he came out with strong religious convictions, "'I'm a Satanist who doesn't hate Jesus,' says Sharkey. 'I just hate God the Father.'" On a side note, is the Lost One the only one jazzed that a politician knew enough about Christianity to know the difference? Moving on. Sharkey is quite up front with how he treats those who give money to his cause, ""I sink my fangs into the neck of my donor ... and drink their blood." Refreshing honesty, given the Lost One is *still* getting E-mails from John McCain encouraging him to donate money (Dude, the Lost One thought you sucked as a presidential candidate, why would he give you money to be someone *else's* Senator?) Yet, somehow he lost.

Oh, sure, like every politician he had a past, a few skeletons in his closet (Litera…Nah, too obvious) but what politician doesn't? Sharkey was arrested twice for "Stalking". What happened to this country when a fella can't go through the trash of random strangers he finds attractive?!?? What like there's some kinda law against that now? Whatever. Moving on.

But Sharkey was rising above it all, to make a stab at the highest office in all the Land, the presidency of these United States (Which, after all is a tale as old as time, isn't it? Creature of the night runs for and loses gubanatorial bid. Creature of the night is arrested for stalking. Creature of the night rises to become president. Who hasn't heard it a thousand times by now?). Yet, it was not to be because of, you guessed it, a woman. Or girl to be exact. Quick, to the crazy (Via the Fox News link), "[Sharkey] was running for president in 2007 when the 16-year-old Rochester girl wrote a message of support on his MySpace page. She told police they began dating online, and the threats began when she tried to break off the relationship." Obviously, this is all the girls fault. I mean, everyone knows that "message of support" is code for, "Please bite my neck", I mean right? Right? Riiiiight? Moving on, "She told police that "in a desperate attempt" to get him to leave her alone, she had e-mailed him that she was a member of an elite vampire hunter society and that continuing their relationship would put him in danger." This statement angers the Lost One so deeply, he can barely type. When the Lost One applied to the EVH he had to pass a physical fitness test, and write a 300 page Opus on Vampire lore (the mental health test was waived, of course. For obvious reasons). Now he comes back to find that apparently any pretty face or even really anyone with a "Vampire Hunters do it all night long" bumper sticker can join. Please. But our boy was not deterred. Wooing his love the traditional way, love notes written in blood. Threatening her parents. Why he even placed here on a pedestal of sorts, "[Sharkey] referred to the Rochester girl as his wife and princess." Ahhhhhhhhhhh.

So ladies, how about it?

Sharkey or the Lost One?

The Lost One will be sitting by his phone waiting for the calls to come in.

Via Ace (As always)